On loss and grace

Last Sunday I had my first miscarriage.

Miscarriage is one of those things that so many women have gone through, and every woman hopes she doesn’t have to go through it. Prior to this I have had three healthy, full term babies. I assumed I would never have a miscarriage, until I got pregnant with my fourth. And somehow, after the first two weeks, I just knew that this baby would not be here on Earth with us. My symptoms left suddenly, and I just knew. I was at peace with this and felt God’s grace washing all over me. On week nine, which is when Baby is supposed to be as big as grape, I had the miscarriage. It was hard, and sad, and yet…I’m amazed at how many blessings God gave me through the experience.

I saw my church family gather round and show me love and care through emails, text messages, phone calls, and many prayers.
I received emails, Facebook messages and comments from people all around the world. Kindness abounded from everyone.
I met a wonderful Christian gynecologist who took the time to hear me, respected my decisions, and then gave me wallpaper for my bathroom. Random, I know, but I walked into her office, told her much I loved her wallpaper and then she gave me some extra rolls of it she had in her cabinet. This almost made me cry. Here I am going through a miscarriage and receiving a pretty gift from a total stranger, a gift that I had secretly been hoping for and knew we could not afford anytime soon…God is kind and loving to me, even in the little things, like wallpaper for my bathroom.
All the food I had stocked my freezer with, the food I had made and frozen and planning to use for after the birth of the baby, came in handy for those days while I recovered.
I’m thankful I didn’t miscarry two weeks ago while Brian was at camp. I’m thankful it didn’t happen while we were in Asuncion doing paperwork.
Thankful that, as Elena put it, “This baby gets to spend his or her WHOLE life with Jesus and will never sin like we do.”
Thankful, that when it happened, we did not get angry at God or question Him.
Thankful, that no D&C was needed.
Thankful, that I’m healthy and feeling well again.
God is good and sovereign! What a truth to hold on to.

One thought on “On loss and grace

  1. Laine says:

    Dear Jackie,

    I read this when you first published it and I began praying for you. I’m sorry for not commenting until now! I know this is so painful to share, but thank you for doing so. I had a miscarriage in October of 2010, a few months before I got pregnant with our little Lucy. It’s tough, but yet God gives so much peace because one day I will know that little one! Your testimony is a blessing and an encouragement…thanks for being real. =)

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